What Not to Say

[Carrion]

So recently some lovely helpful people reminded folks to make an effort about pronouns, and there was some discussion over how to portray crossplaying/NPCing as another gender in a way that wouldn't hurt trans players.

I'm glad this is being talked about, and I'm glad Ralinwood is a place that it can be talked about. When I first joined, the official rules on respecting peoples' pronouns were no small part of why I chose to larp here. When people correct you and insist on what pronouns they need you to use, it is a sign of trust. There are many situations where I suffer quietly or just leave because it's not an environment where I feel safe enough to speak my mind.

With that, I come to another factor that needs to be considered, and that's what not to say when someone corrects you on their pronouns, or those of the character they're playing: don't blame them for your mistake.

I understand why people have the reflex to get defensive. You heck up, and you want to blame it on something, because you mean well and aren't trying to be a dick. But if I'm playing a male hobling and mention that he's a man after being called a 'she', and you reply by saying I need better sideburns, that is the wrong response. It may seem like an innocent comment on my makeup, but in that moment you are telling me that I didn't put enough effort into passing.

Well meaning friends have suggested in the past I paint on facial hair for Carrion. I don't want to. Some people like using makeup in that way, but I don't. It's not a compromise I personally feel comfortable making, any more than I'd want to discard his long overtunic out of the fear it resembles a dress, or cut my hair, or risk attempting to bind my chest for a length of time that could do serious and irreversible damage to my body. Carrion is one of the few times in my daily life I have a chance to be who I need to be, far beyond the usual wish fulfillment larp can give us, and how he looks is just as important to me as how I dress myself out of game.

I'm not trying to bamboozle you and then catch you messing up, and when you blame someone's clothing or makeup or bodytype or voice or anything else on your mistake, you are saying they didn't make it easy enough on you. And often that is beyond our control, and you are going to make us feel like garbage. If you screw up someone's pronouns, just give a quick sorry and correct yourself, as if you forgot their name. If you see someone screwing up someone's pronouns, gently correct them, because I'd rather it not be habit by the time they get to me. I personally know that I'm very easily misgendered, and I try constantly to take that into account. I can tolerate the umpteenth time I've had to correct someone, but what I really struggle with is being blamed for it.

Finally, with all the talk of people trying out NPCing a character of a different gender than the one they typically present as, all this still matters. I have been within earshot of people's snide remarks about what's in the pants of an NPC they felt didn't pass for the gender of the character they were playing, and that is not okay. 

I genuinely don't think that people in this guild are trying to be cruel, and despite my examples being actual things that were said to me or near me, I'm not trying to call those people out. I can't actually remember who you were. I just think it can get better, and really hope it does.

[Izazel]

Thank you for making this post Danny. It's an important issue, and as you said, Ralinwood is a wonderful place that allows for such discussions.

For me, adapting to gendered pronouns is relatively instinctive and easy, and I try to be as mindful as possible when meeting new people, because it's important to me. But not everyone shares this sensitivity or experience. Some people have a more difficult time separating sex from gender - not because they're being thoughtless or vindictive, but because they have different processes and perceptions. They perceive a specific sex based on sense cues and revert to default pronouns, because that is what they understand, especially if they haven't had a sustained interaction with many transgendered individuals. So, I don't think they're implicitly saying, "you're not making this easy enough for us," I think in these cases, they're just unfamiliar with the situation and need time to process it. Never feel blame for this. And never shame them for this. They're learning. Be patient.

If someone comments on your voice, body type, costuming, make up, etc. they are communicating to you why they made the mistake, to reassure you they did not misgender you on purpose. If they are trying to blame you, then yeah, they need to read this post. Blame and shame are toxic. But intention is a strange thing, and hard to discern without colouring it with your personal perception.

I think pronouns should be respected, absolutely, and if there are people who are explicitly disrespecting them to cause pain or intimidation, that is unacceptable. From the examples you gave, it's clear that there is a portion of the population that has a differing perspective on this matter. Those are the people you need to be addressing, and potentially bringing up to Dan and Ivanna.

[Carrion]

I think you may be missing the point of why I was bringing this sort of reaction up.

I'm not trying to shame anyone, and I'm aware they are learning, and I am already very, very patient with them. I'm saying that they don't need to communicate to me why they made their mistake, because I am keenly aware of every single part of myself that could make someone assume I'm female. Because currently it's all of it. I know they don't misgender me on purpose because at this point, I actually expect to be misgendered by literally everybody I meet.

My point is that even if they can point to every single one of those things that confused them, they shouldn't, because they're just going to remind me of those things I am self conscious about. I was in a WoW guild where a good friend of mine who knew I was trans never once screwed up my pronouns, until the moment he heard my voice during a raid on teamspeak. He accidentally called me a 'she' hours later because my more feminine voice had somehow shifted his perception of me. In no way did I blame him for this, and he didn't do it to hurt me. That didn't change the fact that I was terrified to talk to anyone I knew purely online over voice chat for months because I was worried that the few people who constantly used my pronouns correctly would suddenly see me differently and start screwing up.

Of course this is coloured with my personal experience, because these are all personal comments about me that effect how I look at myself, and suddenly I'm reminded of all the reasons I'm sometimes too self conscious or dysphoric to leave my house. I can't distance myself from this issue or care less or just try to have a little thicker a skin for the sake of someone who's really desperate to blame their mistake on some part of me. It is a constant, overbearing part of my life.

If you do respect the trans players, you need to understand that sometimes we will bring a perspective you won't relate as well to because you don't live our experience. What seems harmless to you can have deeply negative effects on me. It doesn't matter what their intent was, and I'm trying to explain why.

[Izazel]

My previous statement was moreso in reaction to earlier comments made in the review thread. I was presenting a perspective that may have been overlooked.

The point of my post was to encourage you to bring concerns about specific players to ownership.

[Izazel]

Ultimately no one can control how others react to them. But maybe your post can help others understand your experience, and what you face everyday.

[Juniper]

I'm not the best at putting my thoughts into words, but considering I saw a lot of misgendering this weekend and it's an ongoing issue I deal with myself, I don't want to not say anything. I apologize in advance if I'm not the best at explaining my view point.

While I understand we can't control how other's react to us, most people wouldn't explain why they might misgendered someone if they identify with the sex they were assigned at birth. For instance, a woman with short hair is misgendered as a male, most people aren't going to say "oh sorry, you had short hair so I assumed you were a guy". Most of the time people will just say "Oh sorry," and use the correct pronoun. Explaining why you misgendered someone can be very hurtful. You may think these are small innocent comments, but I can tell you I have enough trouble trying to figure out which bathroom I should use at times without having to second and triple guess myself because someone said something about my body to me.

[Izazel]

But then we come back to the issue that there is an expectation that people have knowledge/experience dealing with this issue. Not everyone reads the forums. Not everyone knows you or considers pronouns in their everyday life. Not everyone understands the ettiquette of gender identity. What might be an omnipresent occurrence for you, may not be for others. I'm not devaluing the pain or distress it causes you, I'm trying to build an understanding for both sides. So thank you for sharing your experience, hopefully those who read it will use the language you're suggesting instead.

[Carrion]

We definitely understand that there are folks who larp who might not have had experience with trans folks before, though I suspect that's a dwindling number give how many other trans players I've run into in game. But still, I understand that many of these people might not realize the effect what they see as an innocent comment might have on someone. Which was the intent of the original post.

Kaz was giving their two cents and explaining their point of view. It didn't really beg a rebuttal. It's merely another way to look at the sort of situation we're experiencing using an example people might be more familiar with.

We understand the other side, and have said many times how patient we are trying to be, and how we don't believe they're actively trying to be malicious. We know why they leap to defend themselves, we know why they choose those words. But now it's time to really listen to our side and acknowledge that it doesn't matter why, because we're being hurt by it, and it's unnecessary, because again we already understand why it's happening.

[Ivanna]

Thank you for sharing your experiences everyone. The expectation we set is one of mutual respect.

Since many of us haven't lived the same experiences, it's always helpful to hear another perspective so we can adjust our actions and our interpretation of intentions. Respecting someone comes in many shapes and forms and it's extremely important to have perspective to shape that respect.

We hear you two. We understand that, even though it wasn't meant, explaining why misgendering occurs is hurtful. It's hard enough trying to 'pass' without having things you don't need pointed out again, pointed out again. If this was said, it was thoughtlessly, none the less, out of respect, I will stop doing that. In trying to apologize and explain that it wasn't meant offensively, it did not occur to me that it might be hurtful. Thank you for telling me!

I can say that I at least will be applying that in my future interactions with other trans / non binary people. Thank you for deepening our understand of this issue.

[Carrion]

I'm glad I wasn't overstepping by posting all this on the forums. I have a great deal of faith in the Ralinwood community, and hopefully anyone else who just hadn't considered things from our point of view will be helped by the perspective.